I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
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Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[eulogy]
line?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.