I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
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Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I did not eat the cake…
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs