I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.