I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Doormats are a gateway rug.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you