I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
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me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Choose your fighter
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*