I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Breaking news:
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.