Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

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The Chosen Phew

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.