I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I’m going to need a moment here.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage