I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You Might Also Like
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!