I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You Might Also Like
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Perfect
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.