I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU