I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face