Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the composer

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

According to math, I’m broke

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway