“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

You Might Also Like


Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.


“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.


I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.


I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!


INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian



Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
[jury gasps]


My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.


[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live


Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.


Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.