Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
2022 will be better than 2021
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.