@SaltyCorpse

“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

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@LinajkReturns

Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.

@fillthevacuum

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

@NicestHippo

Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana?
“No!”
Oh really. And what’s your first name?
“Indiana”
[jury gasps]

@MoistPork

My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

@Nickadoo

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

@BrassBallsCJ

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.