Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

yes yes a thousand times yes!

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

Is anyone gonna tell them?

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*