Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Netflix and awkward silence?

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis