Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”