“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
You can’t outrun your problems…
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?