“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes