“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR