“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did