I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
We’re all getting idioter.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”