I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
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I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
just got my engagement photos
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
