i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.