i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what