i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
You Might Also Like
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.