i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.