i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.