Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.