@BradBroaddus

I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.

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@CakeThrottle

My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

@samreich

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

@lovexios

I hate when people text ‘call me’. I’m going to start calling people, say ‘text me’ and then hang up.

@DothTheDoth

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

@timdonakowski

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@KevinFarzad

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball

@FU_TangClan

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

@Rockenden

If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!