[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]
*whiney voice* “it’s windy”
I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
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If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”
He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy