I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.

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My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.


*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”


Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”


I hate when people text ‘call me’. I’m going to start calling people, say ‘text me’ and then hang up.


Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.


Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball


Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list


If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!