@BradBroaddus

I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.

You Might Also Like

@novixv

[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]

*whiney voice* “it’s windy”

@BuckyIsotope

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@BradBroaddus

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

@FatherWithTwins

I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.

@Sassafrantz

Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]

@Marcmywords2

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.