Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

– my 5yo, unprompted

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.