“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.