@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

You Might Also Like

@NotTodayEric

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

@murrman5

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@smashbrown_

U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?

@ashmensch

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

@Browtweaten

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

@radtoria

Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”

@pantless_papple

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

@GloriaFallon123

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring