“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!