[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring