I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
God has left this place
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection