Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

How dramatic are you?

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?