I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
You Might Also Like
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
You’ll be OK
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Okay
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
August 8
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
😂 amazing answer
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”