I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
What a chick magnet..
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.