I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Dear Lord..
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.