@plsleaveamsg
“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
@Stonekettle
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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@plsleaveamsg
@morethanMI5
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
@junejuly12
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
@VodkaShorebird
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
@NewDadNotes
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
@UncleDuke1969
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
@ibid78
My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.
@distracdad
*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
@prufrockluvsong
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
@KimmyMonte
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
