I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
why isn’t he texting back
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.