I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?


That’s the most unappetizing cheeseburger I’ve ever seen


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both


[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]


The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.


Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.


DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is