@CourtneyBale
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
@Stonekettle
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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@CourtneyBale
@schumoo
That’s the most unappetizing cheeseburger I’ve ever seen
@Super_Cynthia
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
@CutPics
I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
@KeetPotato
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
@SentenceReduced
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
@iGreenGod
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
@HatfieldAnne
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
@SexyInsomniac
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
@FrazzleMyGimp
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is