@Stonekettle

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

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@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

@morethanMI5

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@VodkaShorebird

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

@NewDadNotes

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

@ibid78

My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.

@distracdad

*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@KimmyMonte

When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around