“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My N’Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I’d regret for the rest of my life.
*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around