I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
fr
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life