Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*