I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
#NoRestForTheWicked
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The two types of wives
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it