I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
IT’S-A ME,
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”