I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.