I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him