I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.