Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

That eye roll….

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

guilty

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund