I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
stop
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it