I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
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Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
A friend helps you before you need it
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?