I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift