I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*