Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.

PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!

ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..