Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining