Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.