“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
This pepper has seen some shit
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.