“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Dune (2021)
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.