@spencerbakes

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

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@GrowlyGrego

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

@bartlebytaco

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

@mexinonblonde

I aged about 2 years and counted 14,364 cat hairs on my cashiers blouse at Walmart waiting for her to ring up my groceries.

@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

@Marcmywords2

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

@economybacon

“My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat..”

Um, don’t you mean “Lava”?

“…like warm hill pee”