“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You Might Also Like
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Sponch
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Unexpected Judgment
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
#parenting
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.