“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
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*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.