Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

You can’t outrun your problems…

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone