Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

he chose this

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier