Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

I drew y’all a little something.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Carpe DM

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Bringing home a sharpie

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta