SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
that colleague who touches your screen
The three genders
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi