Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

You don’t even know

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…