Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?