I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
The devil.