I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.