I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK