Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

it was a valiant fight

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

This is hilarious….

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths