I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
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[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Rare photo of two submarines racing