Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

I think we should hear other voices.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?