I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
We have a winner.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
I feel it
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
