I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
bout dat hot dog summer
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me