I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Acronyms got me like WTF?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.