Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.