Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?