“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.